Grieving Through the Holidays

As I write this it is not even Thanksgiving, yet stores are playing Christmas music, people are hanging lights on their house and trees are being decorated. Very soon, the signs of the holidays will be everywhere we look. Whether we are ready to make merry or have no desire this year, our friends and families will be. Cards will be sent and received. Lists will be made and presents will be bought. For grieving parents the question lingers, how do we get through what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year when we do not feel like celebrating.
That first year after we lost Samuel, we didn’t feel like anything. We did not put up a tree. We sent no cards and did not have a big traditional dinner. It had only been a few months and we just weren’t ready. Yes, we got a lot of flack from family about it. But they were in another state and we didn’t have to see them (we went for Thanksgiving though, but that’s another story.) Thankfully I cannot remember if we received any comments about our lack of holiday spirit from our friends. Our oldest child was only two and since we didn’t do Santa, so it was easy for us not to do Christmas that year. I remember putting out an ornament for Sammie and lighting his candle. We did what we wanted to, spent time with each other and did not let anyone tell us what we “had” to do.

1. Decide what you will do. If you don’t feel like socializing at your company party or pretending to be merry at a community gathering, then just don’t go. Decide what is important enough that you really do want to do it and choose to do just those things (if any!)

2. Inform family and friends as soon as possible if you aren’t doing things you normally do every year (like hosting a New Year’s Eve Party or attending a Cookie Exchange.)

3. Keep it simple. We hear this every year and in several different ways, but really, this year, keep it simple. It won’t matter if every thing is just so if you don’t feel like doing it anyway. The first Christmas, birthday, and anniversaries without your baby are the hardest. Prepare for that and keep them simple.

4. Do something to remember your baby. We like to buy or make an ornament every year for Samuel. We sign our holiday cards with a small butterfly to represent him. We also light a candle during our family gathering to signify him. You can donate to a shelter, Ronald McDonald House, needy family, school or hospital. Adopt a child from Compassion International or other organization.

5. Find a friend or friends that can accept your hurt and love you through the pain. Maybe get together with some other bereaved moms and have lunch or attend a memorial service, Angel of Hope in your community or do a project for other bereaved moms (such as knitting blankets, making gowns or putting together care packages.)